Thursday, April 22, 2010
Happy Birthday, Year One
My heart is racing and I am finding myself short of breath. I didn't have a physically strenuous day at work. In fact, work was pretty easy and the day just flew by. So what's happening to me?
Oh yeah, it's my birthday.
I don't really celebrate my birthday. Never have actually. The few times in the past where I had a party, it was just an excuse to hang out with my closest friends. I'm realizing now, that I have never celebrated my birthday with my family.
To be honest, no one in my family ever celebrated. Well, except for my mom. We would usually go out to a restaurant and have a nice dinner or something. The most recent time, my uncle hosted a party in his restaurant in New Mexico for her. I flew in to attend, but because of work, I had to leave before it really even started. So the night before, we went to a buffet and had a pre-birthday dinner and had an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins.
I posted some of the pictures I took on Facebook and not long ago, my sister saw it with her kids and made a comment... the boys just said, this is grandma's bday. we miss grandma!!!
Yeah, I miss her too.
The loss is still hitting me, and now, on the occasion of my birth, when I first get to meet this amazing woman, she is no longer here.
I've started seeing a therapist and it's really worth it. He pointed out to me, during my last session, that I was paying my respects to her, to her memory, the lessons she taught me, the gifts that she gave me.
I said that I am never going to be able to pay her back for all that she has given me, but I am doing it now, in ever quiet moment, with every breath, every thought. I think of her and I am blessed.
I think of her quiet strength and feel that strength surge through my veins, getting ready to take on any of life's challenges that come my way.
I feel the stability of resolve to withstand and endure, to never let anything wear me down.
I see her face in my mind and feel the love infuse my whole being.
So this really is my birthday. I'm a new man now, and I know I'll always have a guardian angel to watch over me.
I love you mom.