Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Purple is...

This shirt really is purple, but the lighting in my room is horrible!

So, why am I wearing a purple shirt you may ask? Well, it's been a while since I posted anything and the recent events around bullying and suicides of gay teens really hit me hard and I had to write something!

Apparently, gay teens are being bullied so much, that in order to escape their tormentors, they decide to end their own life!

This brings me back to several times in my life, some good, some not quite so, but it all leads to where I am today.

I can see myself driving in a car with my first boyfriend. We were holding hands and I practically threw his hand away as we entered Chinatown. I felt like e everyone was looking at me, judging me, finding something wrong with me, and I couldn't handle it. So I stopped holding hands while the car was in Chinatown. Once we left the area, I held my boyfriend's hand again.

Yes, I had issues (an ex said I have a subscriptions) and I worked on them constantly till I had no problems holding my boyfriend's hand anywhere we are!

This actually brings up even darker periods of time in my life. Times where I was so unhappy with myself and how I was treated that, yes, I thought of ending it all.

It was never anything big, but more like... me wanting to feel like I'm not alone.

My peers would ask me why I wasn't like everyone else and I couldn't tell them, because I didn't know what I was going through. I couldn't tell them that I didn't like any girls, because I had no feelings for them!  I couldn't tell them that I thought blond guys were the best thing to walk on this Earth!

Yeah, I think I have a thing for blonds. Probably because the hair color contrasts so much with my own black.  My absolute favorite are albinos, but I've only seen those in magazines at that time. 

So there I was, a Chinese gayby with a blond fetish and I couldn't tell anyone! So I was feeling really lonely. It doesn't help that other people noticed something was "queer" about me.
So I escaped in books and that seemed to help keep people off my back. It really helped that I enjoyed reading! I read mostly fantasy novels, because even if the characters weren't exactly like me, I could imagine they were!

So books were what saved me. Well, that and my fear of how my mom would be when (not if, when) I died. I some pretty good ideas on how to end it all, and apparently I ranked them on how each one would leave a better looking corpse!

But ultimately, I never went through with any of my plans, because I didn't want to hurt my mom. Because I knew she would blame my death on herself, and I didn't want that.

I wanted my death and the reasons for it, to be all on me!

So, back to today. Dan Savage started a great thing on YouTube called "It Gets Better". Lot's of people famous and non-famous have added to it.
And it does 

The started a thing today, for everyone to wear purple today, to show their support for those kids being bullied.

Mine is the picture on this blog, what are you wearing?

1 comment:

greyking_1980 said...

I used to remember for God to take me away in my sleep, when I was a teen. Being gay is tough. I hate that I used to make fun of other gay kids in high school to take the spotlight off of me.