It’s funny… this is the second Father’s Day after my dad’s passing last year and I think that I can start… accepting that fact. I guess that what people say is true. That the dead can do no wrong. That we start thinking of them in a better light and kinda forget the bad shit that happened. What makes this funny, is that I hold on to things forever!
Or it just seems like it. I spent yesterday saying so long to my roommate and ex-boyfriend Scott. It was time for him to go back to San Francisco and his friend Eddie came up here to accompany him on the trip down. I personally think it’s just so that he could spend more time with Charlotte (the cat). Afterwards, after they left, I felt kinda sad. I could really feel the “space” he occupied. Scott would often go for trips, but this time, I could feel the difference.
I ended up watching a HBO comedy special, Rita Rudner’s “Born to be mild”. In the beginning, David Spade was asking her a question “How did you get here”. It’s a great intro to the show, but it’s also a good question to ask once in a while. Then I watched “Lemony Snicket”. The movie about some crazy count, trying to get his niece and nephew’s inheritance.
So, back to the question, how did I get here?
My friend Stacy called me out of the blue tonight. She didn’t know I had moved and so I told her some of what I was going through, the events that led up to my leaving San Francisco. My dad’s passing away was a huge factor in my moving.
I have wanted to leave San Francisco for a number of years. I was ready to leave back in 1997 when I met Efren. He lived in South Pasadena and I was looking forward to/dreading the L.A. traffic. Just my luck, he decides to move back to the Bay Area. One thing led to another and we got closer, grew further, became friends. Oh yeah, somewhere in there, we got married along with all the other over 4000 couples in San Francisco’s City Hall.
I have to say, I’m not ready for marriage. I take after my dad in that respect. He wasn’t ready either. I don’t think he ever was. I wonder sometimes why he even got married to my mom. I’m glad that he did, otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. But I do wonder.
I wonder at how people that have not seen each other for a period of time, can still have that connection. Just like no time had ever passed.
I wonder at the connections I am making with the people I meet here in Seattle. At how, I can feel so at ease with some of them.
I wonder how I was ever able to be the person I have become. With such liberal leaning opinions, but staunchly conservative values.
So I guess I can thank my father for that. For helping to shape my growing years (I’m not sure I ever had a childhood), sometimes in the actions he took, the words he used and sometimes by his absence.
So that what you see now, is the man I have become.
Once more, with feeling
I sometimes hear those few words
But nothing comes out