It's funny how once you get jump into the shower, you start thinking you can actually sing. Or maybe it's just me that's like that. So this morning, once the water hit my body, I started to sing. I must not have been that good, because I can't even remember what song I was singing. Don't you hate it when that happens?
So while I was showering and singing. I thought that I shouldn't sing too loudly, since Stkyrice is still sleeping in the bedroom. People who know me won't be surprised that my mind started jumping to the next logical step, which in my case was to think about love and my past relationships.
It doesn't help that Valentine's day just passed and it was also my (supposed) one year anniversary. Is that supposed to be paper?
So once I got on that track, I started thinking about love, the emotion. It's funny, but up until the time I came out and had a boyfriend, I didn't have any feelings. Kinda sucky, but hey, that's what I get for being a weird kid growing up. I thought it was normal NOT to have feelings. I can honestly blame my parents for this one.
So, thinking about my past relationship, naturally brought me to my first one... Matt. He was a total sweetheart and would do everything I'd ask of him. He totally loved me and I broke off the relationship. My reason back then, was because my feelings for him weren't as strong as his were for me. Let's be honest, there was no way I was going to be able to have the same level of emotional depth that Matt was giving to me. I tried, I really did, but in the end, I saw that I was unhappy. Of course, I didn't know it at the time and started being really passive aggressive. Very Chinese of me huh? I started getting angry at Matt and tried to get him to break up with me, but that didn't work. How was I supposed to know that "that" was what he was expecting all along. He was abused growing up and had come to expect abuse and take that as love.
Truly fucked up and I was playing into it and in my opinion, making things worse.
I did break this cycle of abuse once I realized what was happening, thanks to some good friends who helped me see the light.
So where does this bring me. Why am I even bringing up all this sludge... well... I kinda feel that in some way, I miss it. That I miss Matt. I feel like I'm still looking at all my relationships after Matt, hoping to find someone that makes me feel the level of emotion that Matt felt for me.
Maybe I should stop taking showers and stick to baths. *sigh*