When is it ok...

Ok, I really like my comedy/dramas, ala Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. I just feel that the pacing of both comedic and dramatic elements work really really well for me.

So since my boyfriend doesn't like them as much as me (ok, he doesn't like them at all to be honest), I Tivo them and watch them on my own.

This morning, I was watching last night's episode of Private Practice and as usual, there were a lot of storylines going. Violet is sleeping with two guys. Naomi turns into a stalker over Sam's new girlfriend, the hottie health inspector from the previous episode (the guy works fast!, but this is Taye Diggs, I'd go after HIM anyday!). A patient and his two kids with Cystic Fibrosis has a horrible choice to make, to watch one kid die or leave one kid alone to bury his dad and sis.

The story that really hit me, was Charlotte's. She is the ice-cold bitch administrator at work. She finds out that her "Big Daddy" is dying and she goes back home to deal with the situation. Cooper goes back and provides support to her. Big Daddy has pretty much already passed away and the machines are keeping the shell alive. No one in the family can do the "right" thing and turn the machine off.

So Charlotte is pretty much the only member of the family that can even stay in the room for any length of time.

That's when we find out that Big Daddy was horrible to everyone and using their terms, "his chickens are coming home to roost". Charlotte has a heart and it still works apparently. She is a doctor and knows what the best thing to do is, but still can't do it. Cooper helps her and tells her she can cry.

She doesn't.

She only cries once they're both on the plane back home.

This started me thinking and wondering, "What would I have done?". Big Daddy died from lung cancer. I should also mention that today is 1/16. My own dad died from the same disease on 1/19.

It's funny, on the one hand, I find that I have to think back, that I'm finding it hard to remember how many years (has it been that long?) he's been gone (2 years now, he died in 2007).

I'm starting to not feel it affect my everyday life. To stop coloring all my decisions. To not feel the loss.

I started making the bed. It was already made, but the OCD (or CDO for you OCD'ers out there) in me came out and I made the bed again.

And I started crying. Sobbing really.

So I just sat down on a perfectly made bed and cried my eyes out.

I saw my dad in Big Daddy's place and I in Charlotte's and I don't know if I could have turned off that machine. Could I have killed my father, even though he was already dead. I just don't know what I would have done.

My dad died on a plane coming back to the States for medical treatment. And I wish I could have been there. To be one of those people doing CPR on him. Even though I know that it wasn't going to be enough.

So that he would somehow know...

that I forgive him.

That he's still my dad.

That I'm still his son.

I'm crying as I type this.

And it's ok...



Angel wings flapping
Sets my heart and soul at ease
To face a new day

AiYahh!

Sorry for the disappearing act...

Hi there,

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything here. It doesn't mean that I stopped living or anything, but some things did happen in my life that brought me down.

I tried several times to write something, anything, only to lose that moment and ended up scrapping whatever I wrote down.

In a nutshell, I found out my dad had lung cancer in the middle of January. He actually found this out on December 23, 2006 while he was in China. He spends half the year there ever since he retired, so it was quite a shock for him. After a lot of conversations between members of my family, it was decided that my dad would move back here. He would have better access to medical care and the expenses would be covered by the kids. My brother Chester was the only one of us with dual citizenship, so was the natural choice to go there and help bring him back.

My dad died on January 19, 2007 during the flight back here.

I've been trying to deny it to myself, but I'm pretty sure that I'm suffering from depression. I find it hard to concentrate on anything personal. Work is a lil bit easier, at least I can concentrate better there.

So, here's some of what I'm trying to do to move on. I now have a more tangible date for my move up to Seattle...September 8th. I've decided to concentrate on more "Me" things and stopped playing Role Playing Games, at least the versions that have contact with others. So now my only RPG playing is on my DSLite. Oh yeah, I bought a DSLite. I'm currently playing Animal Crossings, Children of Mana, Pokemon Pearl, FFIII, and Nintendogs. I haven't given out my friend code to anyone yet, so I'm essentially playing with myself.

My gosh, that sounded dirty.

Speaking of sex, that's pretty much what I'm doing...playing with myself. Strangely enough, I'm ok with that. I still get crazy horny and find cute guys attractive, but I don't have that urge to want to do anything with them. I have started fucking myself with a buttplug I have. It has an opening in it for an egg vibrator, so guess what I did? Yup, I bought a vibrator so I've got a vibrating buttplug. And yes, It makes me very happy :)

My digital camera broke pretty recently. I never dropped it or anything, the dang thing just broke! I have absolutely no idea how. So since it is Gay Pride this month and I'm going down to AnimeExpo, I NEED to have a working digital camera. So now I am the proud owner of a Olympus 7.1Meg digital camera. I'm still learning how to take shots with it, so be look out for them here.

Since I'm moving up to Seattle in September, I'm trying to do as much (community wise) as I can. So I'm serving as a Safety Monitor for tonight's Transgender March being held in Delores Park. It starts at 6:30PM and it should be fun. Tomorrow, I'm going to have a spa day and booked a massage at Kabuki Springs. I plan on spending the whole day there, so it should be fun. My bf Scott keeps joking that I'm getting a "happy ending", but I'm absolutely sure THAT's not going to happen. Especially not the way I'm feeling right now towards sex. At night, the 15th Annual Dyke March is happening going right into Pink Saturday in the Castro. If I can swing it, I would love to check it out both, but I'll be happy just hanging out at PInk Saturday.

Sunday is going to be crazy busy. I'm marching with the Billy De Frank Center in the Gay Pride Parade. The crazy thing this year, is that it's going to be televised on live tv (if you have cable tv Channel 99 in sf), but Clear Channel and KRON TV are going to have a live unedited webcast of the whole thing! After marching, I'm going to again, act as a Safety Monitor, either during the parade or at the festival.

On a modeling tip. I was just asked today, to do a photoshoot for UCSF's fitness center. This is part of the community campaign so of course, no money involved, but it'll be fun and the shoot is scheduled for Thurday, right before I head down to L.A. for the AnimeExpo and the True Colors tour.

I hope to visit the ostrich farm on this trip :)

To everything, turn, turn, turn
I see the light now
On wings of doves, I fly off.

AiYahh!